What do you do with feelings you have never experienced? 

A good feeling?
A bad feeling?
A heavy feeling?
Uncontrolled feeling that overcomes you?
Pain in your chest that never ceases?
Anxiety, hyperventilating ?
Skin that scratches so bad from the nerve pain you scratch till you bleed?
Drink when you never where a drinker?
Walk until your hips give out?
Try things you never tried before for anxiety?

Or do you take it head on and conquer it with Warrior strength?

Wait .... is Warrior strength getting to the other side or is it getting to the other side the best way you know how?

I have spent much of my life teaching health and fitness, eating perfectly for most of my life with some bad years thrown in. In the grand skeem of things I did well, mostly over did it . I'd say obsessive some years in conquering pain, fear and life's harships with exercise and health, getting more on track not getting off track.

However I question what is off track and what is on track now.

When you watch your child get sicker and sicker and the pain is so intense and you can't take it away, what do you do?

How do you cope with the day , the hour, the minute, the second?

Oh ya with warrior strength.....

Why does my warrior strength feel so different now than it always did before?

I feel like I'm losing some of my emotions, until I move, talk, walk, listen and then the tears are ready to flow. YES at means at every moment of the day , night and morning, I want to cry but it doesn't help me. It seems so ridiculous to cry when my son is having more pain than I can comprehend and we get billed for this torture. I'm taking my child to appts. , hospital stays and watching him fight for his life. I want to give him my life and take all his pain......

Today Zak asked me "MOM, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?" I tried to keep it together while I answered.. "ME? how am I?" How can he even think about me?

 I answered like this.....

"I feel like my mind and body are not in sync , like I live in someone else's body and this is not my own anymore. I have no connection to my body anymore. I have never experienced anything in my life more painful than watching you go through this."

We talked back and forth about each others feelings and shared some light jokes. I made sure he knows I want to talk to him about feelings and no one else. I need him to communicate with me when he needs something or wants something. I will move mountains for this boy. He was honest with me about many things , some things were hard to hear but nothing was as hard to hear as just knowing the reality of the journey is going to get worse than today and neither of us have ANY IDEA HOW TO GET READY!

What I know is I WILL GET THROUGH THIS WITH HIM AND I WILL GET HIM SO STRONG AFTER HE WILL BE AMAZING and enjoying his life again SOOOOOOON... I will tattoo "A Mother of a Warrior " and we will look back and be able to say , WE MADE IT! I'm not sure what I'll remember but I'll forever have a new pain I hope never becomes familiar.