So here I am again,,

 The second post... I'm moving right along with this new venture.

 I'm adding a link to my sons fundraiser sight where my daughter writes weekly updates,,  there you can see the journey through her eyes and get a catch up on the first two months. She has added quite a few details of Zak's cancer after reading much of the paperwork I carry around and have a hard time reading.

https://fundrazr.com/stories/75JHJd?psid=b00f326650c94b92b6bb87d0e7cc509e&fb_ref=share__61pTN2

Today is the morning after this last round of intense Chemo. , this one was three days long, however his system has to flush before he goes home. I came into Zak's room at the hospital with my head up high this morning. I took a walk around Seattle's Greenlake last night, ate a good dinner and slept ok , so I was ready for the day.

I walked into Zaks room and seeing him get sicker and sicker is something I am just NEVER ready for at all.

  I just said to him,"this round is making you feel sicker isn't it?"

 He knotted his head YES

 Immediately my breakfast has become a brick of regret and I need to rethink eating before I get here now.

I picked up some of the dishes and drinks around from the night before and gladly went downstairs to purchase him two water bottles he actually wanted. Anything he wants I am more than happy to go get, I think it harder when he wants nothing.  I just want him to be better right now.

Its only a couple weeks now from the preparations for the bone marrow transplant. Cheyenne (Zak's little sister) and I will be headed to Seattle's Cancer Care Alliance soon for the start to the regimen and physicals they both have to have to move forward with the transplant.

As I'm writing this the sun is shining in the window and its beautiful outside. My daughter Brandee, (the oldest) is coming in with my grandson to visit and say hi. As long as no one is sick anyone can visit right now.

For some reason I'm super tired all the sudden, my emotions get so high then drop and knock me out, there's no balance to a contant rush of adrenaline. Up then down, up then down, my body is getting heavy from the cortisol I'm not able to get control of yet.

My life as I knew it has changed and finding the new balance would of have been easier had I not lost my mind the first 30 days. I didn't follow any regimen at all of my normal life and days, not with food, exercise, friends or family. I lost myself in the journey ,fears, struggles and appointments. I took a big mudslide to a unknown place and then felt myself drowing. So I started to make a plan and get a routine I could manage.

Today turned out to be an amazing day at about 3 pm my oldest daughter and my grandson showed up and we walked around the town, had lunch, talked, shared, and went to visit Zak together.. She saw first hand the difficulty I have.. she sent me a text while I was running my grandson through the hospital and said" MOM I don't know how you do this".. Zak was sick and she happened to be in the room when he didn't feel good.

I left my phone charger at the hospital so have no phone and no one can call me in emergency. It also is my charger for my hotspot and I wont have internet either... The first time no one can contact me.. Ill pray all is well, Zak is at the hospital and siblings are on call.. Thank you JESUS for giving me 4 children..

I have so much to say and I'll still be figuring out when to sit still and write like I need to.. for now its when I can grab my computer and sit still, and think , which isn't often all at the same time.. Ill figure out and you'll get to take the journey with me ... I hope I can help someone else along the way,,