DAY AFTER ICU visit

Ok well its about 7:35 pm and we are now out of ICU on the familiar floor we are quickly getting

too familiar with.

 I left for a bit earlier today to walk my dogs(yes they are with me 2 of my 4 and they keep me sane, comfort me and love me and get me out for walks) and when I came back I asked Zak ,"you all done, ready for Disneyland?" He nodded "YES"

 and smiled..

Awe that smile...

Anything for a smile.. I'd sing for him but I'm trying to be somewhat quiet so I am not crowding him. My children ALL came by that honestly," Don't crowd me"," don't stand over me". We all love our space and also love each other around , go figure.

What a fine line we walk with grown children, you can get kicked out, told to leave, your in the way, you bug me, stop talking, sit down, move, I can do it myself, I don't need help.. etc.. Zak has been super patient with me and I have learned if I'm somewhat quiet, don't get in his way and go out now and then it seems to be ok.

I mean I'm still here.

But honestly I just think when your sick you need your mom. So I am always close by and tell him that. If I'm not in the room I'm never far away. Some how we have built a good balance with each other through this time in our lives, so I am not hovering over him and he can make decisions by himself and I'm so grateful he allows me to be a close part of it all.

As I'm writing this the IV machine is singing to us AGAIN, Zak reaches over and turns it off. He has learned how to handle some things by himself when the nurses aren't quick enough.

He's on his third blood transfusion today and their still pumping antibiotics in him to cover ANYTHING they can.. When your ANC (immune) is at 0 there is NO room for wondering and waiting, they pump him up the moment a fever starts for everything under the sun to cover every basis possible. Holy moly the kids is all antibiotics, saline and blood right now.

FOOD....."sounds good " , he says, but the thought of what it will do isn't something he trusts.... he just ate some for the first time in days.. he told me this.......

"It was great to eat but it didn't make me feel better".

This morning started the second day in  ICU waiting for the rounds to see all the vitals, millions of tests , meds. etc..as I listen to the team of about 10 woman and men going over every detail, I am amazed at how they keep all the lingo in their heads. HOLY OVERLOAD!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO wonder it takes so many of them to keep it together.

When they ask me and Zak's dad, "do you have any questions" , I think, how in the world can we even think of a question when it takes 10 of you and there's only two of us , I need 20 more ears, brains and maybe some note pads.

 Its feels like your being electrocuted  with 10 years of medical schooling in 5 minutes (or how I imagine that to feel anyways).

 After forgetting to eat yesterday and having a blood sugar drop issue I decided today, I'd do better, I ate a mozerella salad mmmm,,,, drank a shake and  had some oatmeal ...not bad right... then I was walking by a snack machine and although I NEVER go there other than to stare at what I'd never eat .. I decided to buy POP CHIPS lol.. I put in a $5 bill and got back $3 ... this was about 5 chips mind you. It really cost $1.25 but doesn't tell you that the machine likes a tip. So a $2.00 lesson , I should of known.

SO for the end of my day I sit here quietly just listening to my boy talk every now and then, watch TV, laugh a little, text friends and be happy he just finished his last bag of blood for this trip.

The nurse just said ,"if you keep behaving  you can get off the monitors tomorrow". He laughed and agree lol.. like I said anything for a smile.

I'm off to my lil apt . across town thank you to Rick's  ( my children's DAD) sister Vera and her husband Marty, they  have been wonderful and provided us with the downstairs to be close the hospital and have a place when Zak is ready for his journey to transplant. That actually starts next week so he wants to go back to his apt. for one last stay and then it'll be with me here in Seattle for the journey through transplant.

I'd rather he came with me now but I understand at 21 and his first apt. he wants to take in his moments before the long haul of being cared for 24/7. Now he knows the importance of temp taking and why. He has also learned MOTHER'S intuition is SPOT ON and DON'T mess with it! Thank you Jesus for the intuition you gave me with my kids. I could stand to have less sympathy pains for them but otherwise thank you so much!