Warrior misses his party!!

PHONES ARE NOT WORKING ............

Zak's big 21 year old party is tonight, the celebration will be for the Warrior this year not with the Warrior. I'm staying with Zak and close by the hospital. I made it very clear from the start, if my boy is in the hospital I won't be there.

So here I am .. Thank you SO MUCH to all who are there supporting Zak and his cause, it means so much to us that you all are so willing to help Zak get through this. I don't know how people do this without support of so many wonderful people.

 Zak's ANC is still at 0 (no immune), so as his mom I'm thankful he is in a safe place until that spikes a little and gives a bit of cushion to be in this wild world.

On my way to the hospital I called Zak to see what he wanted," cold fruit and sparkling juice" he said. So I went to our favorite health food grocery store and got him a few choices and some yummy organic fruit. Washed that stuff up and served it to him on a brown paper plate..( imaginary silver platter lets say).

Then I went to make my calls to all the kids, and couldn't get anyone.... towers are down until TOMORROW... yikes....................................NOWAY!!!!

What happen before cell phones and technology came into our lives?

....... panic set in, is our bill paid, what if , what if what if Zak was at home and this happened. OH MY GOSH,, I started sweating and having a panic attack thinking what an emergency this was and my son was already safe in the hospital.

I could text and I frantically text my husband, HUNNI HUNNI HUNNI I cant call Zak our phones are crazy, at&t is going to hear me roar, help hunni help! lol , His answer," I'm on it!"

Thank GOD for him, he has come through so much for me, through frantic calls, balling moments, mad moments, sad ones and moving away for awhile (that part is probably his favorite because he can sleep , without me saying, "hunni quit snoring" and an elbow in his side.) lol

 Self talk," Ok. Kerri. can you just breathe and quit panicking , that won't help and Zak is safe  and so is everyone else."

 Dr. rounds started the day here at the hospital, so we could hear all the updates on tests and his counts.  Things I feel like I may be getting in this thick skull now, lol.  Routine, consistency and listening.

 Breathing, staying on task and in the moment so I can pay attention.

I spent as usual every two hours walking my lil furry best friends and giving them loves and treats..

 Today I met a few kids and parents in the family kitchen . One that sticks in my mind was a man from Yakima that JUST found out his daughter as ALL (Leukemia) , he was in a frenzy and having a hard time.

We talked for a bit and he said, "this is my first week here and the Dr.s said she has 80% chance of living".  He proceeded to tell me his story... this is what he said....

     FRANTICALLY HE SPOKE.....  " I drive from the tri cities here on weekends and her mother is getting housing near by that she qualifies for. I'm in  a hotel at a discounted rate of $85 a night with our son. They said she only has 80% chance of living. Her mother has a new baby that's one year old and we have two sons together that are young as well. I work in construction and I can't concentrate and I work high up , and now I am trying to think about where I am and I can't think. "

He said all this in about one breathe, I TOTALLY understood!

The GREATEST part was I was calm and had already weathered a few storms and was in a place I could calm him and talk him through a few things. I felt like all that listening that wasn't sticking , really did stick and I was able to make sense of some things for him.

The other part was 80%?, OH DO I remember the day I heard all the numbers, I drank a whole bottle of wine( one glass is enough so you can imagine) that night while cooking up meals for the Zak at my daughter's house. I never have experienced so much pain in my life as I did that day, (since then I have experienced a few more life altering painful moments).

OH DO I REMEMBER! I knew exactly what he felt... HOWEVER for me I have not only faith higher than the skies, I also have an amazing support of friends and family that ROCK MY WORLD and keep reminding me who I am , what GOD is capable of and direct me back to where I need to be.

What I remembered in that moment was my friend Erin Carlson, a friend for so many years and her words to me after finding out 1% of ALL (acute lymphoblastic leukemia) patience have a chromosome issue called IAMP21 and MY son was  that statistic and he needed to be treated as HIGH RISK and very intensely... and on and on with statistics etc.

She said , " Those are easy numbers for GOD, he's got this."  I know she said it a little more elegantly than that but it released a worry and put me in a place of EXPECTING and RECIEVING GOD's Grace and his desire to give me the desires of my heart. SO I am knowing that all will be great, GOD gave me to Zak as his mom and I will not stop for one minute until this child is ON HIS FEET and dancing again and living the life he was meant to live.

I am so blessed to be a mother of 4 and when God so lovingly trusted me with these lives I have NEVER ever questioned his trust in my ability to be their MOM. NOTHING Has ever come before it!

AGONIZOMAI ( this is a tattoo on my arm) I live by it.. I challenge you to look it up...

Sorry for spelling and punctuation craziness,,, Don't look at it as punctuation and spelling needs to be corrected... look at it as that's how I am talking.... its my passions, intensity and life and every comma and .... is my way of expressing myself.. So all of you who have never met me ... I am a little bit energetic and I am passionate about  everything I do or I don't do it.