Are you kidding me?

What do you mean you have been yelling out to his bedroom window for 30 min and he isn't responding?

What do you mean he knew you were coming and now he's not responding... "Tear down the F....ing door down then and get your a... in there. " I said to his friend that called me, asking if I had heard from Zak.  He wasn't responding to phone calls or yelling at his bedroom window that was open and he knew he was coming over.

I called as well, NO answer...pretty sure I need a new heart at this point.

Zak wanted to go back to his apartment to sleep after being hydrated and given IV meds . What I didn't know when his dad dropped him off was, that his friend that lives next door didn't have the key and couldn't get in . Zak fell SOUND asleep and no one had a key.

My conversation to myself about Zak.....Ok no more being alone that's enough of that. The time is now that you accept you need someone near you . Too many things can go wrong and you needs to get to the hospital ASAP and I honestly cant take the worry that you need something and are too sick to ask for it.

Since Zak just turned 21 he gets to decide when he needs me or anyone else.. Talk about learning to let go and pray your child will make the right decisions in the hardest, most vulnerable time in his life.

 I have moved to Seattle temporarily to be ready for the day Zak needs to be no more than 20 minutes away. Basically I'm ready because I  know Zak will take it to the last minute and then collapse. Hence, the exact way he ended up in the hospital in the first place (passed out with 95% leukemia in his body and needing 6 blood transfusions).

 Were coming up on that day , the bone marrow transplant day.. The day he has a new birthday assigned.. the crazy day his body is at 0 immune and will be transplanted within new stem cells and then we begin to build him back to the man he wants to be. His words are," there will NEVER be bad food around me after this, I will be eating immaculate and there will never be junk in my house. I never had junk in there before  and there won't be any after this either."

 NEXT DAY.............................. Wednesday.....Today..... another day in the IV rooms getting fluid and medications. While I sit next to my son I can hear, nurses, phones, pumps going off at every corner, curtains opening and closing and scanners scanning every bar code over and over to match meds with patience. I can hear babies crying, little kids saying "no pokes today". I see kids with ports in their heads, throwing up in waiting areas, sleeping in strollers and parents getting used to the drill of making Seattle Children's hospital a home.

My son is sitting next to me with his hood over his head and covering his eyes, his eyes hurt, his body hurts, he cant eat, drink or barely move, he's hot , then he's cold. Today randomly  he said what sounded good was the cracker and cheese paks in the store. I would of got him anything, however what sounds good and what he can eat don't at all match up. I asked if he wanted it and he said , "NO".

I grab ice cups, fruit cups and juice, coke, sprite, anything that will help along the way. He's never been a pop drinker and refused to drink it in the beginning, somehow its all he can do some days now.