The Truth can hurt......

Seems in my last blog the abuser got word I am talking....

My intention is not to hurt anyone along this journey, my intention is to tell my story in hopes I can continue to heal the areas of my life I feel I need to and never could in fear of being hurt more.

There are far too many people in the world not able to talk and share, I hear it all the time. I want to speak out because  I have experienced  something many others are also experiencing and feel like they can't tell.

I went to a woman's shelter one night to volunteer time and get involved in healing areas of domestic violence. What I found out was that there are all kinds that experience abuse. There were corporate woman with no place to go , that ran to a shelter in another town to escape the madness they lived. They braved the waters and ran with nothing to their name. I met a man there as well that stood up for his kids and went to the shelter to escape the abuse he was experiencing from his wife.

This can happen to anyone. The hardest part of that journey was the mental abuse I endured. The sheer ability he had to tear my insides out with a few words and a look and stance I couldn't escape.

The life he lived behind closed doors was full of pornography and lies. I journaled all I could quietly, what he would say, how he responded and had to puzzle together what I could say next or not say. I was constantly afraid of the next out rage, out burst and body bump he would give me as he passed me by. He controlled all the finances we had, leaving me thinking we had none most of the time.

I know these are just some of the things that are familiar to domestic violence stories, what was very pivitol to me was that I had no idea what I was experiencing was abuse. I thought something was wrong with him that I could fix. Always second guessing every move I made, there was NOTHING I could do or say that was right.

 I wondered why we never had the same friends, he wouldn't engage with my family  or friends. He never introduced me to his friends and I was never around his family. Leaving him with only HIS STORY and I have never met anyone that could tell a lie as well as him. Except a drug addict that would do anything for the next hit. Was it drugs? noway he would do drugs so what was it?

His family verified to me he was always angry , always tearing things up and he had a history of domestic violence. Why did I not know this? how could he hide that for as long as he did without me knowing?

Domestic violence is real for both people, the abuser has to accept their actions in order to get better and the person experiencing the abuse has to understand how to get out and why they accepted such treatment.

I wanted better for both of us, there is no easy way to leave an abuser and there is never a day they just come clean and say I abused you and I want better. I am searching inside for why that happen to me, why I had such a hard time listening to friends tell me to get out and ones that actually gave me a ticket out in fear of my tomorrow.

I am searching for a way to help others find a way out and to collectively collaborate healing in a world so many never talk.

My children were my angels, they were my right hand , my right arm, my reminder and my purpose.

The only communication I got during my sons journey with cancer was how I abandoned him and my life. You can imagine the rest of the conversation. I had no words, there was NO WORDS, I chose my son and that was final. I never looked back again, my son taught me there was nothing in life worth that treatment. Life is precious and every moment counts, with nothing to my name I never looked back , and have been on a journey of healing every since.

This is for me to heal and to help others that experienced the same end of abuse I did, to heal and never look back and make the same mistake again. To recognize your worth and to know there isn't anything you can do for them, only for you.