Selective listening vs. hearing

Selective listening vs. hearing

    If you have children a spouse or have parents you have heard about selective hearing or listening, right?

    When your trying to get your children to listen and they are distracted by friends, phones, video games, TV, sports etc. often you must turn off what is distracting and ask for eye contact from them. We take away things so we can get there full attention, we demand eye contact and then when its their turn to talk we often don't give them the same demanded attention.

    Does this sound familiar?

    One of the things Zak and I talked about in the hospital was how he felt about his childhood and what I could have done different as a parent and what I can do now  to improve. The collective answer was," I wish I could have convinced you the first time I wanted to be heard." It seems it was a debate and took time to get me to listen and even longer to hear.

     I asked," do I do better now than when you were younger?" 

Zak expressed, "Yes mom you do." Your still very hard to convince, your mind is set on something and that's hard to get past. Your not as open minded to new things as I would like you to be. 

Hmmm.......................................taking time to really hear this and allow myself to learn.

      I thought about this a lot in the hospital. I asked my other children the same question and they all said the same thing. Your a strong woman with a strong mind and convincing you to look at another way isn't easy. We wanted you to hear our ideas the first time and instead we had to work hard to debate and convince you our way was worth looking at. They expressed I did eventually listen good but it took too long for me to HEAR.

      I had to look at myself good and hard and take these lessons to heart in many areas of my life. I learned in many situations to guard myself and guard what I heard for fear it would hold me back and instead I held myself back by not listening.

     I have spent many years learning to listen , then hear, putting together  information and letting it often sit and resignate inside until I had a solid perception. Often my first response inside was defense. Learning who I am and why I felt defensive was a learning process, much of it I learned in Life coaching and a ton of it I learned from my diehard children reminding me openly they wanted to be heard.

    I love to hear what people have to say now, I really stop to look them in they eye and hear the passion in their story.

 Put aside your own perception so you can see a different direction!

    

     

The Truth can hurt......

Seems in my last blog the abuser got word I am talking....

My intention is not to hurt anyone along this journey, my intention is to tell my story in hopes I can continue to heal the areas of my life I feel I need to and never could in fear of being hurt more.

There are far too many people in the world not able to talk and share, I hear it all the time. I want to speak out because  I have experienced  something many others are also experiencing and feel like they can't tell.

I went to a woman's shelter one night to volunteer time and get involved in healing areas of domestic violence. What I found out was that there are all kinds that experience abuse. There were corporate woman with no place to go , that ran to a shelter in another town to escape the madness they lived. They braved the waters and ran with nothing to their name. I met a man there as well that stood up for his kids and went to the shelter to escape the abuse he was experiencing from his wife.

This can happen to anyone. The hardest part of that journey was the mental abuse I endured. The sheer ability he had to tear my insides out with a few words and a look and stance I couldn't escape.

The life he lived behind closed doors was full of pornography and lies. I journaled all I could quietly, what he would say, how he responded and had to puzzle together what I could say next or not say. I was constantly afraid of the next out rage, out burst and body bump he would give me as he passed me by. He controlled all the finances we had, leaving me thinking we had none most of the time.

I know these are just some of the things that are familiar to domestic violence stories, what was very pivitol to me was that I had no idea what I was experiencing was abuse. I thought something was wrong with him that I could fix. Always second guessing every move I made, there was NOTHING I could do or say that was right.

 I wondered why we never had the same friends, he wouldn't engage with my family  or friends. He never introduced me to his friends and I was never around his family. Leaving him with only HIS STORY and I have never met anyone that could tell a lie as well as him. Except a drug addict that would do anything for the next hit. Was it drugs? noway he would do drugs so what was it?

His family verified to me he was always angry , always tearing things up and he had a history of domestic violence. Why did I not know this? how could he hide that for as long as he did without me knowing?

Domestic violence is real for both people, the abuser has to accept their actions in order to get better and the person experiencing the abuse has to understand how to get out and why they accepted such treatment.

I wanted better for both of us, there is no easy way to leave an abuser and there is never a day they just come clean and say I abused you and I want better. I am searching inside for why that happen to me, why I had such a hard time listening to friends tell me to get out and ones that actually gave me a ticket out in fear of my tomorrow.

I am searching for a way to help others find a way out and to collectively collaborate healing in a world so many never talk.

My children were my angels, they were my right hand , my right arm, my reminder and my purpose.

The only communication I got during my sons journey with cancer was how I abandoned him and my life. You can imagine the rest of the conversation. I had no words, there was NO WORDS, I chose my son and that was final. I never looked back again, my son taught me there was nothing in life worth that treatment. Life is precious and every moment counts, with nothing to my name I never looked back , and have been on a journey of healing every since.

This is for me to heal and to help others that experienced the same end of abuse I did, to heal and never look back and make the same mistake again. To recognize your worth and to know there isn't anything you can do for them, only for you.

Getting in the game!

Get IN THE GAME and speak OUT!

If I don't speak out then I never move forward, I know darn well there are others suffering my same story and others that have no idea what to do next and others that have endured, recovered, succeeded and love again!

Pressure to know , to do, why, how, when , where, more , now!!!!

Please STOP the madness...

This is what is happening after a few years of extreme situations, a whirlwind of trauma and hardships. Never losing hope but somehow at the end I have lost some of my memory and direction. Still smiling, still driven, still energetic and healthy. These are important things right?

I haven't shared much about my personal life in the last 3 years in detail other than Zak's cancer journey. But before Zak's journey , I was also experiencing extreme domestic violence  behind closed doors and a child who struggles with a drug addiction. In that journey  my dream home was purchased to remodel.

Short version!

What most people unless close to me don't know is that , the plan was to remodel immediately. We had purchased already most of what we needed to add the necessities, stove, oven, sink , etc. and we would be doing one room at a time.

It left myself and my youngest daughter living in a trailer in the backyard in between the chaos of a gutted house ( no water, heat and or bathroom ) and my gym in a separate building that was my sanctuary of life, friends, clients, and laughter. Nothing was moving forward except the sheer mental and verbal abuse I was enduring, the blame , the shattering and shuttering of broken glass, suicide attempts and madness that he classified as normal or denied all together telling me I was the crazy one. I endured it long enough I started to question every word and action I made, finally making sure I had a witness to it all, never being alone or in a private space was going to be the only way to come out of this ,

 IN short that story ended in divorce, restraining orders, threats, blame and madness. I left my house, and anything that went with it. I gave away most of what I owned and let go of what could of been and realized what was.  NO ONE is exempt from the possibility of abuse in some form, I never thought in a million years as a strong woman I would ever get caught in something like that. If I don't speak up and speak out I can never fully move forward. I am done hiding for fear of what they will do next.

When Zak's journey began he was a pivitol part of saving  my life as well as me being a part of saving his life. There was NO options for me as a mother but to leave my life behind to be with my son and that's what I did.

During that journey with Zak , I was informed from one of my children that she was addicted to a very bad drug and didn't want to tell me. I had finally asked because it started to become obvious. She admitted ,confessed and shattered me with more than I could take. Leaving me hyperventilating on the floor and unable to grasp the next journey with another child at the same time I was saving another. This meant not just one child it meant two children and a grandchild I needed to speak up for. One never over estimates the impact the entire family will take.

She asked me to take her child so she could get help, go to rehab or whatever it took to be a mom again. She asked me to do my mom thing and teach and take care of her for her while she was gone. I did that! She packed up her child in my car and sent her away with me trusting I would do all I could to keep her safe and I DID!

As I had her I found out the father of my grandchild was a dealer , guns drugs and you name it where involved. Even his mother, an innocent preschool teacher was part of all of this. Fights, drugs deals, devestation around my grandchild I had no idea about.

I took action into my own hands , I called domestic violence hotlines, attorneys, you name it, police and more. I filed for emergency custody of my grandchild and received restraining orders and all i needed to keep her from harms way. I  was then drug through the nastiest fight of my life with my own child. She accused me of more than I could even comprehend, threatened my life and disowned me for good. Honestly that pain was no where near the pain I know my grand daughter was going to have to endure with drug addict parents. I needed to be the voice of this child and I DID.

There is so much more, however  the foot work to save this child and also have her with me 24/7 for three months straight while doing this and making sure Zak got to his appt.s and had the best care and my other children and grandchildren where not left out was no easy task.

 THIS IS WHAT THE SYSTEM( state of washington) told me. This case will cost me somewhere between $100,000 and higher and there is nothing illegal about a drug addict raising a child.

 ARE YOU F...... kidding me?

I was forced to hand over my granddaughter and know I'd never see her again. The day she left my daughter had her friend grab her ,grab all her things and took her as if it was a small visit. My grand daughter had no idea her mother would never let her back into my arms again.

I'm ready to move forward in my life , Im ready to let go of what was, to allow what can be and what is good and well and amazing. I am ready and have been working hard to create a safe place for dreams to occur, for believing to be real and to let go of survival and to thrive in life.

I let go and continue to daily, to let go of guilt, of what did I do and what could I have done different. There is nothing.. I did ALL I could in all situations, I could do no more, I let go knowing there is not a rock unturned!

I reached out to friends, I called all the right places, I took all the right steps, I went to the therapy sessions to detach from the abuse to make the moves I needed to , to learn that an adult child is exactly that, an adult and you can't fix, you simply LOVE and when LOVE is not enough you simply rely on what is and not what WAS!

Another day of letting go and pushing to new limits and letting others that may be experiencing some of the same things know, a storm is simply that, and very temporary if you allow it to be!

It's been awhile since I wrote you!

WOW how time flies........................

I use a ton of exclamations and often punctuation most look at and wonder if I passed English and yes I did.
SO I'll warn you know I write as I think and if you don't know me you'll get to know me through my punctuation!

I haven't written you in awhile, I wish I could put the last few months in a short sentence for you. Since that doesn't seem possible at this point I'll carry on from today with some highlights of memories that may help fill in some gaps.

Today was a day I made an appointment to stretch my possibilities in fitness, not unlike most of my life , however the lapse in my life in the last year or more has thrown me into a spiral of the unknown. Reeling myself through a hurricane of happenings I keep challenging myself to new heights.

When tradgedy hits your life the spin your body takes is really often one you must let go of in a strange way so that you may fall where your meant to be . I found that fighting it took more energy physically and left my emotional and spiritual state with nothing left to feed off of. I let the hurricane toss and tumble me as if I was getting eaten by a bear. I was taught you drop and play dead to survive.

I did exactly that for a bit so that I could survive the hurricane. I planted my inner core tight and allowed my outer body to take the tumbles praying that when I landed the core would be strong enough to then support the outer bodies healing as well as the inner.

I have challenged myself to deep water swims(a lifetime of fear of deep water), I have taken a spin class that was so repetitious for two months straight that I could keep moving while allowing my mind to start working again. Like a push start up a hill. I loved the people that brought me back, I loved the routine , it gave me a consistent goal to wake up to. I did it until I knew I knew it was time to move on.

Emotionally I have gone through a workout I could of never explained was possible at the same time experiencing watching my children go through theirs. That's what a mother does , right?  

Every time I push beyond what I think I can do today, I see my son fighting for his life with only the best outcome in sight.

Every time I push beyond what I think I can do today , I see my children's vulnerable childhood in my hands and know there is and was NOTHING I wouldn't do for them, and the most important lesson for me in that 29 years of raising children is, if I don't take care of me , they carry a burden of my carelessness.

Every time I push beyond what I think I can do today, I add to the legacy of possibilities in health and wellness for a lifetime not just today.

Every time I push beyond what I think I can do today, I remember my life impacts others and I want the best impact possible. Love, laugh, live, rest, eat, pray and believe that every moment up or down has a purpose in the long term not always the short term, so keep on your journey to new things, new ideas, possibilities and act on it , there is never a better time than when you think about it to actually start doing it.

Love , a Mother of 4 Warriors all with different journeys but all with one mom, THAT'S ME!

HOLY MOLY TIME FLYS

It is March , YIKES, I will attempt to catch up this month for April's newsletter.

These are highlights of the last few months I couldn't get my thoughts on paper.

Zaks transplant was December 13,2013. Cheyenne rocked out some awesome cells for Zak and he was given the gift of life. Thank you angel Child Cheyenne.

I spent every single day with Zak in the hospital , we watched every movie on Netflix and got hooked on a series that had 8 seasons. Oh my what a journey that was. Sitting on my butt watching movies and TV , Zak would sleep here and there but mostly he would look over at me and say ," MOM you awake still?"

I left the hospital daily at about 2 am sometimes later sometimes a little earlier, usually after our decision to stop the series because it was always so good there was never a good time to stop.

I would walk to the parking lot and run the parking lot now and then just to stretch, jump in my car, head to my room and Pass out, to get up a few hours later and do it again.

Zak and I shared many many talks I share with you along the way. I learned a lot about my son and he told me a lot about what kind of mom I am and had been his whole life. Most good but in his tough exterior ways he cant be too sweet to me, it wouldn't be tough.

We all hold a sort of tough exterior and my kids all have it, each one of them are so sweet in their own rights ,they will not tell you that though, don't mess with them or what they love or you will bite of more than you can chew.

Zak had a virus that kept him in isolation the entire time he was in the hospital, so being locked up he calls it in his room for so long left me no choice but to fight for his freedom. I saw him going down hill emotionally, getting depressed and needing air. This was not the life he was born to have, So we together made a plan of action.

Everyday we had goals, he met them, and I gave them to the Drs. every morning on rounds. They would evaluate and then listen to my plea, sometimes add some things to the list and we conquered them together so he could get some time out. A green card so to say, a 4 hour pass to home a day. We got it. That one thing took him leaps and bounds in health. All this will be caught up I promise in future blogs as I go. Too much to read or write all at once.

Zak was released in my care with a grocery bag of pill and  a list of TO DO's.

We together conquered them ALL, IV pumps at night, pills 4 to 5 times a day. Hickman port cleaning, Lines to flush, apps to go to daily . With weight to gain and strength to gain we had our work cut out. For us both!

A partnership of Mother and SON to create the health he was meant to have and a future brighter than the sun.

This boy is a music lover, he NEVER Stopped working the entire time he was sick, days and nights, he wrote, he created beats on his beat machine. He put his music on social media, every music site he new of. He had a magazine interview and shortly after he got the call.............................. I will fill you in ........................ watch for details.

As of today he is WAY ABOVE any transplant patient they have EVER SEEN IN SCCA HISTORY!!! LITERALLY!! more details to come.........................................

WAITING FOR TRANSPLANT

So much happens in between these blogs I need to figure out how to keep it short and sweet for you.

This emotional journey finds me exhausted in the times I can write and all I want to do is be silent.

The Warrior child as well as the Angel child (donor and sister) are awaiting the next phase which starts this week, Zak has been in numerous appts a day. I of course go to each one with him. Its been just him and I this month because everyone in the family is either working or has been sick with a cold and not allowed near Zak.

 Cheyenne has been with us at times and others she stays back taking care of the dogs .She has not  even been able to work(nanny for my oldest daughter) because they all had colds. So I have kept her close to me so she can stay well. She can not chance a cold since she is the donor. That can hold up the whole process.

 Appointments start at 8 am and go till around 5 and sometimes 6. Its non stop, Dr.s , oncologist, nutritionists, social workers, pharmacists, nurses,  secretaries, parking garages, and waiting rooms, dental check, lumbar punctures , blood draws, transfusions, remembering what is next, schedule, back pack, notebooks and protein bars.  I carry it all and daily have a ton more to the pile. If they hand anything to Zak he looks at me and hands it over. Its so over the top amount of information its impossible to remember it all or even think you have to.

The hardest appt. this last week was a long consult appointment with the University of Washington for radiation. The side affects have to outweigh the current situation. How in the world do you balance that out emotional ? I just sat there and listened to every word as Zak did. I had a couple questions but mostly it was a jolt both of us seemed stunned and just wanted to move on and move forward.There isn't really an option , this is the treatment for his High Risk Acute Cancer.

So he opted for being admitted for the radiation since its twice a day with a Seattle Cancer Care appt. in the middle of the day. He needs fluids and has to be watched , which would of put me in another class to learn IV hydration. He said I might as well let them transport me and take care it just would be easier. So I can go to all the appointments but Children's hospital will be transporting him and monitoring his care along the way. That will be 4 days long then 5 more days of Chemo to wipe his ANC(immune) to 0.

THEN TRANSPLANT....

Cheyenne will be under going 3 days straight of shots to build her ANC up so that she can have her stem cells taken over a 1-2 day 4-6 hour process depending on each person. She will have an IV in both arms and they will take blood from one arm, filter out stem cells and give her blood back to her. This takes hours in a day that she has to just sit there and be still , watch a movie, chat with me or sleep I suppose. They will then filter out a T cell that is the most common denominator to causing GVHD. (graft verses host disease, basically refusal)

This is a quick update , short and sweet. I'll be talking about my journey as a mom soon as well here. Please keep Zak in your prayers and thoughts as we head toward transplant and a long couple months ahead before he is with me again , so that I can buff him up , build his health and get him on his feet again.

Kerri, A Warriors mom and an Angels mom(Cheyenne)

Well I have to say, I barely realized so many days passed since I wrote last.

I had a surprise migraine for almost 4 straight days with a little still on the 5th day.

 I'm pretty sure the different bed I sleep in  , the amount of driving and sitting in the hospital is not helping.. I never sit this much.. However  were all on a germ lockdown, I guess you would say, this entire floor isn't allowed anywhere except their rooms because of the germs and low ANC levels (immune system).

The nurses come in with gowns and they take them off and throw them out every single time they enter as well as washing hands coming in and going out, both with soap and sanitizer. I'm not even allowed to warm up my tea without asking someone to do it for me.

Zak has about had it here in the hospital, he wants to breathe AIR so bad its driving him crazy. They haven't let go outside his room  since ICU last week for fear of infections.

 Today looks like he might be free'd for a few days so he can go to his apartment and just get outside for a few days before. Everyday the rounds of Dr.s come by and he waits for the ANC numbers and I can see the look on his face and the energy immediately changes to frustration and claustrophobia... "mom I need to get out of here".... Oh my gosh its so painful to watch and see as I go in and out to get air myself. He is amazing to with stand all he is, I know there are days he just wants to go run out of here and breathe and be normal for a moment.

We stayed up late last night playing Monopoly and although we had fun and listened to music and where able to get some time to pass ...

 After awhile he leaned back and said to me, " I don't think I can do one more day!"

My mommy words and all I could come up with was....

 " In the grand scheme of this whole process its a small amount of time from your life that we will get through , so you have a LONG life ahead to enjoy."

I have my two dogs with me in the car that I take out every two hours and I was on my way out and he said... "I want to gooooo," ughghgh my heart broke the way he said it and needed so bad to just go outside.. the boy was raised to be outside, we never stayed still inside, we puddled jumped in the rain, rode bikes and played in parks and walked during all times of years and all times of days.

 Since I can totally understand the feeling of wanting to get out,, I can't imagine any words really make it better... I'd be looking for an escape route to breathe air by now, he's been as patient as you could possibly expect.