Getting in the game!

Get IN THE GAME and speak OUT!

If I don't speak out then I never move forward, I know darn well there are others suffering my same story and others that have no idea what to do next and others that have endured, recovered, succeeded and love again!

Pressure to know , to do, why, how, when , where, more , now!!!!

Please STOP the madness...

This is what is happening after a few years of extreme situations, a whirlwind of trauma and hardships. Never losing hope but somehow at the end I have lost some of my memory and direction. Still smiling, still driven, still energetic and healthy. These are important things right?

I haven't shared much about my personal life in the last 3 years in detail other than Zak's cancer journey. But before Zak's journey , I was also experiencing extreme domestic violence  behind closed doors and a child who struggles with a drug addiction. In that journey  my dream home was purchased to remodel.

Short version!

What most people unless close to me don't know is that , the plan was to remodel immediately. We had purchased already most of what we needed to add the necessities, stove, oven, sink , etc. and we would be doing one room at a time.

It left myself and my youngest daughter living in a trailer in the backyard in between the chaos of a gutted house ( no water, heat and or bathroom ) and my gym in a separate building that was my sanctuary of life, friends, clients, and laughter. Nothing was moving forward except the sheer mental and verbal abuse I was enduring, the blame , the shattering and shuttering of broken glass, suicide attempts and madness that he classified as normal or denied all together telling me I was the crazy one. I endured it long enough I started to question every word and action I made, finally making sure I had a witness to it all, never being alone or in a private space was going to be the only way to come out of this ,

 IN short that story ended in divorce, restraining orders, threats, blame and madness. I left my house, and anything that went with it. I gave away most of what I owned and let go of what could of been and realized what was.  NO ONE is exempt from the possibility of abuse in some form, I never thought in a million years as a strong woman I would ever get caught in something like that. If I don't speak up and speak out I can never fully move forward. I am done hiding for fear of what they will do next.

When Zak's journey began he was a pivitol part of saving  my life as well as me being a part of saving his life. There was NO options for me as a mother but to leave my life behind to be with my son and that's what I did.

During that journey with Zak , I was informed from one of my children that she was addicted to a very bad drug and didn't want to tell me. I had finally asked because it started to become obvious. She admitted ,confessed and shattered me with more than I could take. Leaving me hyperventilating on the floor and unable to grasp the next journey with another child at the same time I was saving another. This meant not just one child it meant two children and a grandchild I needed to speak up for. One never over estimates the impact the entire family will take.

She asked me to take her child so she could get help, go to rehab or whatever it took to be a mom again. She asked me to do my mom thing and teach and take care of her for her while she was gone. I did that! She packed up her child in my car and sent her away with me trusting I would do all I could to keep her safe and I DID!

As I had her I found out the father of my grandchild was a dealer , guns drugs and you name it where involved. Even his mother, an innocent preschool teacher was part of all of this. Fights, drugs deals, devestation around my grandchild I had no idea about.

I took action into my own hands , I called domestic violence hotlines, attorneys, you name it, police and more. I filed for emergency custody of my grandchild and received restraining orders and all i needed to keep her from harms way. I  was then drug through the nastiest fight of my life with my own child. She accused me of more than I could even comprehend, threatened my life and disowned me for good. Honestly that pain was no where near the pain I know my grand daughter was going to have to endure with drug addict parents. I needed to be the voice of this child and I DID.

There is so much more, however  the foot work to save this child and also have her with me 24/7 for three months straight while doing this and making sure Zak got to his appt.s and had the best care and my other children and grandchildren where not left out was no easy task.

 THIS IS WHAT THE SYSTEM( state of washington) told me. This case will cost me somewhere between $100,000 and higher and there is nothing illegal about a drug addict raising a child.

 ARE YOU F...... kidding me?

I was forced to hand over my granddaughter and know I'd never see her again. The day she left my daughter had her friend grab her ,grab all her things and took her as if it was a small visit. My grand daughter had no idea her mother would never let her back into my arms again.

I'm ready to move forward in my life , Im ready to let go of what was, to allow what can be and what is good and well and amazing. I am ready and have been working hard to create a safe place for dreams to occur, for believing to be real and to let go of survival and to thrive in life.

I let go and continue to daily, to let go of guilt, of what did I do and what could I have done different. There is nothing.. I did ALL I could in all situations, I could do no more, I let go knowing there is not a rock unturned!

I reached out to friends, I called all the right places, I took all the right steps, I went to the therapy sessions to detach from the abuse to make the moves I needed to , to learn that an adult child is exactly that, an adult and you can't fix, you simply LOVE and when LOVE is not enough you simply rely on what is and not what WAS!

Another day of letting go and pushing to new limits and letting others that may be experiencing some of the same things know, a storm is simply that, and very temporary if you allow it to be!